What’s the Difference?
A client recently shared something with me that really stuck—a powerful insight from Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart about the difference between shame and guilt.
And when they share something like this, I pause and make the time to dive in. Because I admire them for not just reading, posting, or sharing this stuff—they model it. They live it.
We need more people who go beyond reading something and saying, “THIS!” to actually doing, “THIS!”
So I wanted to share this with you because understanding the difference between shame and guilt can create small shifts that change how you talk to yourself and move forward in life.
And just a heads up—this newsletter is giving a very light touch on the subject. We’re just scratching the surface here, so if this resonates, I’d encourage you to pick up Atlas of the Heart for a deeper dive into shame, guilt, and so much more.
That being said, here’s the difference in a nutshell:
Shame = I am bad.
Guilt = I did something bad.
Shame is heavy. And it’s all about YOU.
It whispers, “You’re not enough. You always mess this up. You’re a horrible human being.”
It makes us hide, feel small, and carry weight that doesn’t belong on our shoulders.
You know that feeling when you snap at someone you care about, and later you think, “I’m such a terrible person”?
That’s shame. And it sucks.
But when you snap at someone you care about and think, “That wasn’t my best”?
Well, that’s guilt—and guilt can actually be useful. Because guilt is all about BEHAVIOR.
It doesn’t matter if you forget a friend’s birthday, miss a deadline, or lose your temper, guilt taps you on the shoulder and says, “Okay… not your finest moment. What can you do about it?” Because great thing is, you can always change your behavior—from self-defeating, to self-enhancing.
So guilt can help you grow.
But shame will keep you stuck.
And unless you enjoy carrying around a backpack full of shame boulders every day, here’s how you can start putting some of that emotional weight down:
1. Catch the story.
Are you telling yourself I am bad (shame) or I did something bad (guilt)?
For example:
“I’m a terrible parent.”
That’s shame talking. It’s labeling you as bad.
“I raised my voice at my kid today.”
That’s guilt. It’s a behavior and you can make it right.
“I’m awful at my job.”
Shame. By saying “I am…” you’re making a mistake into your identity.
“I keep missing deadlines.”
Guilt. That’s a specific behavior you can fix or learn from.
2. Shame thrives in silence. Guilt creates action.
If it’s shame, speak it.
Talk to someone who will meet you with kindness instead of judgment.
Even saying something as simple as, “I have a story about myself that’s been weighing me down…” can open the door to release.
If it’s guilt, ask:
What’s one small step I can take to make this right or show up differently next time?
Apologize.
Follow through.
Thoughtfully respond instead of offering an unregulated reaction.
3. Flip the script on shame.
When that shame voice pipes up — and it will — replace it with something true:
“I made a mistake. That doesn’t make me a mistake.”
“I’m learning.”
“I get to choose differently next time.”
And here’s the beautiful thing about guilt: it’s a reminder that you care. That you want to do better. What a gift that is to give yourself the opportunity to improve!
So remember, when someone in your life screws up, they might need that same gift from you.
So now what?
Look, life’s heavy enough without the weight of shame. It’s time to lighten your load.
Catch the story.
Speak it or act on it.
And offer yourself (and others) the grace to try again.
And remember, you’re not bad. You’re just becoming.
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