Authenticity is not a free pass to be a jerk.
I want you to be authentic
I want you to communicate with honesty, lead from who you really are, and stop performing some polished version of yourself just to be accepted in a room.
Spending so much energy managing everyone’s perception of you can lead to losing touch with who you actually are. You learn to smile when you’re angry, agree when you’re resentful, stay quiet when something needs to be said, and pretend you’re fine when you’re anything except fine.
So yes, I want you to be authentic. I want you to use your voice. I want you to tell the truth. And I want you to be real.
But every now and then, someone takes the invitation to be authentic and turns it into permission to say whatever they want, however they want, whenever they want. Then things get tense and they wonder why their “honesty” didn’t land the way they intended.
That’s when I remind them that authenticity requires regulation.
Being real does not give you permission to dump every thought, opinion, reaction, judgment, or frustration onto someone else and hide behind, “I’m just being authentic.”
Because authenticity without self-awareness can become immaturity. And honesty without care can become cruelty.
You don’t have to crank it up to 11
There’s a time and place for your full personality, humor, intensity, opinion, frustration, and truth. There are also moments when you need to regulate yourself enough to recognize who you’re talking to, what the situation requires, and whether your words will help or harm.
But Adam, then I’m being inauthentic.
No. You’re being wise.
Full transparency, I love colorful language. Anyone who knows me knows that. But I’m not dropping f-bombs around elementary schools, churches, or every professional environment I walk into in the name of authenticity.
See, regulation is the ability to choose the right expression for the right environment. It means you don’t lose yourself in order to be accepted, and you don’t force every part of yourself into spaces that haven’t earned or invited that level of access.
A lot of people like to justify being unfiltered as being authentic. And they’ll say things like, “I just tell it like it is.”
Do you?
Or do you tell it like you see it, filtered through your own wounds, assumptions, preferences, fears, judgments, and limited perspective?
Your perspective may feel true to you. That doesn’t automatically make it useful to someone else. And even when you are right, your timing, tone, and motivation still matter.
Not every opinion you have is valuable
Some opinions are uninformed. Some are uninvited. Some are unnecessary. Some are just your discomfort looking for a microphone.
Personally, I don’t give people my opinion about their relationship, job, or lifestyle unless they ask for it. I can believe their relationship is a dead end. I can believe their job is draining them. I can believe their lifestyle is setting them up for pain. I can see the patterns, feel the tension, and even be right.
And still, unless they ask me or the situation puts them in danger, I try to stay out of the commentary booth. Because rarely does someone want to hear you badmouth their partner, discourage the work they do, or disparage the lifestyle they’re trying to maintain.
Remember, it’s their life. Their relationship. Their job. Their choices—and their consequences.
Let people have their lies
Most times—but not always—people know when things aren’t going well for them, even if they don’t admit it.
They know their relationship feels off. They know their job is wearing them down. They know they’re making choices that might be hurting them. They know they’re stuck, settling, avoiding, or trying to survive something they aren’t ready to say out loud yet.
And when someone already has a wound, your uninvited “truth” can feel like salt.
You may think you’re helping them face reality, while they experience you as another person confirming the thing they already fear. That they’re foolish. That they’re weak. That they should have known better. That everyone else can see what they’re trying so hard to survive.
Sometimes you have to let people have their lies.
Because sometimes it’s all they have.
That lie may be the scaffolding holding them together until they’re strong enough to tell the truth. It may be the story that helps them get through the day. It may be the thing protecting them from a reality they aren’t ready to carry yet.
That doesn’t mean you enable harm. If someone is in danger, being abused, harming themselves, or harming someone else, take action. But in the everyday complexities of human life, you may need to give people room to arrive at their own truth.
So now what?
So the next time you feel like cranking your authenticity up to 11, remember to W.A.I.T. and ask yourself…
Why Am I Talking?
Because as much as this may come as a shock, you’re not the main character of someone else’s life.
Meaning, they don’t need your monologue unless they give you the stage.
So, before you offer your honesty, pause long enough to ask yourself: Is what I’m about to say helpful, timely, and compassionate? Or am I talking because I need to feel right, need to be heard, or because I feel uncomfortable watching someone live a life I wouldn’t choose?
Yes, be authentic. Tell the truth. Use your voice. And be yourself. But please, regulate.
Because sometimes the most authentic thing you can do is care enough to stay quiet.
Ever upward.
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