Why would you expect something different?
We’re creating our own frustration
I was coaching a leader recently who had just had their third conversation with one of their team members about the same challenging issue they’ve been having with them for months.
After walking me through it, I asked them a simple question:
What do you expect will happen after this conversation?
After a short breath in they said…
“Well, I expect them to change.”
I paused for a moment and then asked,
“What makes you expect that?”
They looked at me stunned as they searched for an answer.
I continued…
“Based on their pattern, I would expect them not to change.”
And with that realization they let out a sigh and dropped their shoulders…
“…yeah.”
A hard truth
We all do this.
We do this at work when we keep having the same conversation with someone who continues to show up the same way.
We do it in our relationships when we hope someone will suddenly become more understanding, more communicative, or more honest.
We do it with friends when we expect a level of effort or care that hasn’t actually been there.
And every time it doesn’t happen, we feel frustrated, disappointed, and even hurt.
But the frustration isn’t coming from them. It’s coming from the gap between who we want them to be and who they’ve consistently shown us they are.
And accepting that gap comes with a lot of tension. So instead, we convince ourselves to build a bridge over it. Supported by thoughts of: Maybe this time will be different. Maybe they didn’t understand. Maybe I didn’t explain it well enough. Maybe they’re just going through something.
And sometimes, those things are true.
But most of the time, you understood perfectly. You just didn’t like the answer their behavior already gave you.
So, you keep building and building. Believing that if you work hard enough, and build a solid enough structure, they’ll finally come over to the other side.
Your side.
But they don’t.
Patterns tell the truth
Not words. Not intentions. Not potential.
Patterns.
And when you ignore patterns, you create your own frustration because you’re no longer responding to reality. You’re responding to hope without evidence.
This is where things get uncomfortable, because once you accept someone’s pattern, you’re forced to make a decision. If this is how they consistently show up, now what?
Do you lie to yourself and keep expecting something different?
Do you keep investing the same way?
Do you keep having the same conversation over and over again?
Or…
Do you adjust how you lead, how you relate, and how you engage with them?
Now, this doesn’t mean people can’t change. They absolutely can. But change doesn’t show up as a promise. It shows up as a new pattern. And until that pattern shifts, your expectations need to be based on evidence, not false hope.
This is especially true in leadership. If someone has shown you multiple times that they struggle with ownership, communication, or follow-through, your role isn’t to keep hoping they suddenly figure it out. Your role is to lead accordingly. That might mean setting clearer expectations, increasing accountability, changing how you support them, or in some cases making a harder decision about their role on the team.
And it’s just as true in your personal life. If someone consistently avoids hard conversations, doesn’t show up when it matters, or gives you just enough to keep you around, that is the pattern. Not the apology, the promise, or the “next time will be different.” The pattern is what’s real.
I’ve said this many times and I’ll keep saying it…
Always believe patterns over promises.
Always.
But that’s hard
I know.
But when you start paying attention to patterns, something shifts. You stop taking things personally. You stop over-explaining yourself. You stop over-investing in places and people where it isn’t being matched. And you start making decisions that are grounded in what’s actually happening, not what you wish would happen.
Clarity replaces frustration because now you’re responding to what’s real. And that frees up seats at your table for people who actually match your expectations.
So now what?
Take a look at the relationships in your life and ask yourself where you might be expecting someone to act outside of their pattern.
What has their behavior consistently shown you?
Where are you holding onto false hope instead of looking at evidence?
Then take it one step further. If you accepted their pattern as truth, what would you do differently? Would you change how you communicate? Adjust your expectations? Set clearer boundaries? Or make a decision you’ve been avoiding?
You don’t need to assume the worst about people, and you don’t need to become cynical. But you do need to become honest about what’s actually happening. Because when you do, you stop putting yourself in the same frustrating cycle and start leading and living at full choice.
Ever upward.
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