The Super Ego
Ever felt stuck between two choices—and neither one feels right?
Maybe you’re deciding what to do this weekend and you think it’s the perfect chance to catch up on some landscaping and cleaning.
But… you’ve also been grinding at work all week and could really use the rest.
So, you decide to rest. But this inner voice begins to judge you saying,
“You’re being lazy! There are things to do!”
So, then you push through, begin cleaning up, and hear,
“You’re always so busy! When are you going to take time for yourself?!”
No matter what you do, that judgmental voice inside finds something wrong with it.
That voice has a name: The Super Ego.
And when it's out of control, it's more powerful than a locomotive. And it'll leave you in mental turmoil faster than a speeding bullet.
But here’s the thing, when the Super Ego is being guided by a healthy Ego, it’ll be able to leap tall buildings of doubt in a single bound.
But in order to do that, we need to have a better and healthier understanding of the two powerful beasts charging your life forward, and the driver who holds the reins.
So, over the next three newsletters, I’m going to walk you through the three key parts of your inner world:
The Super Ego – One warhorse
The Id – The other warhorse
And the Ego – The driver controlling them both.
And hopefully by the end, you’ll stop treating your ego like the villain and begin embracing it as a vital part of who you are and how you live.
But today, let’s start with the part that most often disguises itself as wisdom… but mostly just feels like a nag.
Super Ego - The Moral Judge
The Super Ego is your internal judge, jury, and critic. It tells you what’s “right,” what’s “wrong,” and how to stay in line.
It’s voice was built early—by your parents, religion, school, culture, and society. And when your ego lets go of the reins, the Super Ego becomes a perfectionist with a megaphone, keeping your mind running wild in mental circles of guilt and shame.
You didn’t work hard enough.
You didn’t rest like you needed to.
You didn’t say the right thing.
You should’ve kept your mouth shut.
You should get what you want.
You shouldn’t be so selfish.
See, an unguided Super Ego acts like it’s here to help. But really, it just berates you.
My Super Ego Tried To Shame Me
A few weeks ago, my daughter and her fiancé came home for a visit. They had just gotten engaged at the end of 2024 and they were excited to spend their birthdays hanging out with the family. Which meant some great food, great drinks, and great company.
Recently, I had decided to scale back how much alcohol I’d been drinking. The plan was not to have a full stop, but just to ease the frequency. So, while the rest of the family would celebrate with shots and mixed cocktails, I would choose to just have water or a cold Poppi (Strawberry Lemon is one of my favs!).
One night before dinner my daughter asked if I would have a shot of whiskey with everyone. I told her “no” because I wasn’t drinking right now.
But then an interesting thing happened. I could hear my Super Ego begin to berate me for my decision.
“What do you mean, no? You didn’t decide to completely stop drinking, you decided to scale back.”
That’s true, I didn’t. So yeah, maybe I will have that drink …
“Yeah, but you’ve gone 16 days without drinking. Why ruin that streak? Besides, you already said, no!”
You’re right. I did say no. That was my decision.
“Yeah, but she’s in town now and you used to always have shots with her! Why are you being so rigid?”
Why am I being so rigid? It would be fun to toast with her…
“But you’re going to ruin your dry streak and have to start all over.”
Shit. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
“That’s right.”
The Super Ego was so loud and obnoxious. Constantly pitting myself against, well… myself.
“If you drink, you’re weak. You just blew all that progress.”
“If you say no, you’re being too rigid and stubborn.”
And when your ego stops guiding your Super Ego, that’s the game it plays. It doesn’t care what you choose—it only cares that you feel wrong for choosing.
Time To Grab The Reins And Take Control
I asked myself, “What do I really want in this moment?” Because I only betray my progress when I let fear or judgment—either direction—make the decision for me.
And the answer was simple.
I really wanted to raise a glass with my daughter and family. And not just celebrate their visit, but their future.
So, I did.
I told my daughter let’s all raise a glass. Her eyes lit up and we gathered around as a family lifting our glasses. I offered a toast to their future, and before we could drink, she said, “Wait! Hold on… before we drink… will you officiate our wedding?”
My heart flooded with warmth… Will I officiate their wedding?
Hell yes I will! I’d be honored!
We took our shots together and I hugged my daughter, looking at her with so much pride for the woman she’s become. And I was proud of myself too, for directing my Super Ego toward a place where I could consider both sides of the argument and still feel good about my choice.
If I had let the Super Ego drive, that moment would have come with so much baggage.
When The Super Ego Takes The Wheel
Look, the Super Ego isn’t evil, it’s just trying to protect you. But it doesn’t know how to rest, and it doesn’t know how to love you when you fall short.
Here’s where it shows up in real life:
Relationships
· You replay every conversation.
· You carry shame for staying too long—or guilt for leaving too soon.
· You beat yourself up for not being more healed, more forgiving, more… something.
It tells you you’re either too much or not enough. Never just right.
Work & Productivity
· You finally sit down to rest and hear, “You haven’t earned it.”
· You stay up late to push something across the finish line and hear, “It should’ve been better.”
It keeps raising the bar just as you’re about to reach it.
Personal Growth
You read the books, listen to the podcasts, go to therapy. And that voice still says, “You should be further along.” It doesn’t care that you’re growing—it’s mad that you’re not perfect yet.
The unregulated Super Ego doesn’t want progress, it wants perfection. And that’s a losing game for anyone trying to be human.
So now what?
If you’ve felt that voice lately, take a breath.
The Super Ego’s power comes from fear—of messing up, of not being loved, of being rejected or exposed.
But fear doesn’t get to decide who you are.
You do.
That’s the job of the Ego—the part of you that sees the full picture, weighs the voices inside, and still gets to say:
“Here’s what I choose.”
And when you make that choice from your values and convictions, you win. Every time.
Next time, I’ll introduce you to the Id—the other voice that doesn’t know when to stop and always wants more.
But for now, I’ll leave you with this:
What decisions in your life right now are being made by pressure, guilt, or shame… instead of freedom of choice?
And what version of you do you want making the call?
Ever upward.